It’s Ok to Feel Ungrateful Sometimes (by Jamie Brazell)

As we prepare for the Thanksgiving holiday in the U.S. of A., I’d like to take a moment to give a shout out to all of those people who are sick and tired of hearing how they ought to be grateful. 

Holidays can be really hard for a lot of people - especially those who suffer from depression, grief, anxiety, PTSD, or those who have survived an incredibly difficult upbringing with emotionally abusive caretakers or peers. This time of year can bring up all sorts of painful memories, stress over finances, and cause a person experiencing loneliness to feel like they have a giant magnifying glass over them that exposes everything that’s missing from their lives. 

If any of this sounds familiar, I’m talking to you.

I get it - holidays can really suck for some of us humans. And yes, it can be helpful to think about all of the things in your life that you should feel thankful for, but sometimes it’s hard to get past those painful memories…and sometimes it can make a person feel worse when they hear that they ought to be feeling differently than are currently feeling. 

This may sound controversial (coming from a therapist), but it’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel lonely, lost, empty, afraid, or angry. Do most people want to feel those things? No, I’m sure that we don’t. I’m sure that most people would rather feel all of the happy feelings over the sad ones. We don’t always get a choice in how we’re feeling - just like we don’t always get a choice in what happens to us. 

What matters most is what you do with those feelings. This is where you do have a choice.

Understanding where the sad stuff is coming from can be helpful in creating some self-compassion. Please try to be gentle with yourself - as you would be with someone you love unconditionally. Try not to take all of the responsibility over things that have happened to you in the past. If you’re someone who struggles over holidays because of family issues, know that your biological family may not be your logical family and get out there and find your tribe as soon as you can. 

If you are feeling depressed, lonely, or if you are grieving - you don’t have to do this alone. Please reach out to someone who will listen, who will offer you validation and connection, someone who will offer you full acceptance. Whenever possible, make the choice to spend time around those who build you up rather than tear you down. If that is not an option for this holiday season, consider the holidays in the future when you may have that option available and know that there are more people out there in the world than those you currently have access to. These hopeful and inspiring creatures may come in many forms - teacher, coworker, neighbor, online support group, or therapist. If you have not had luck in one of those areas, please keep trying because not every person can offer the support you need. 

So go ahead and feel ungrateful for the sad or bad things that have happened or that you are currently dealing with in this moment, but please don’t get lost there.

If you can accept that pain and suffering are part of the human condition, there’s also a bright side of experiencing joy that is waiting for you. It's easy to believe that everything is awful when you're in despair, but the truth is that there is always hope for a better tomorrow.  

Click here for my resource page if you are experiencing a crisis. 

My Secret Weapon Against Sexual Shame (by Jamie Brazell)

According to Carl Rogers, having unconditional positive regard for every client is essential to the effectiveness of the therapeutic relationship.

As a therapist trained in human sexuality, I tend to have a lot of interesting conversations about sex. I’m not just talking about with my clients, of course, because I have plenty of people in my life who want to engage me in discussions about sex and sexuality. (And yes, I can be a lot of fun at parties).

Sex is an interesting topic that is often incredibly personal - so I feel honored that people feel comfortable talking with me about their own sexual stuff.

From these various conversations, the number one underlying issue that I see when it comes to sexual issues or concerns involves a powerful force known as shame. 

Think about shame as this invisible assailant who can overwhelm a person to the point where they feel shut down or unable to take action. It can be devastating. Guilt, on the other hand, which is often confused with shame, will cause a person to take action out of this sense of feeling bad and wanting to make amends of some sort. Guilt is more of an action-oriented force while shame will make a person want to hide under the covers and hope nobody notices. 

Here are some ways I’ve encountered

sexual shame in others:

• Internalized Homophobia - One of the most heartbreaking statements I’ve ever heard someone say was, “I am an abomination.” And they really believed it at the time. 

• Underlying questions of: Am I okay? or Is this okay? about sexual behaviors- for example, “I get turned on by this particular kink…but I think it’s really weird.”

• Sexual abuse survivors often (not always, but often) express a variety of shame-based feelings.

• Statements like, “My body isn’t performing as it should and therefore I’m not man-enough (or woman-enough or person-enough); I’m somehow broken and it’s all my fault.”

• Slut-Shaming - “If I tell my partner (or anyone) the truth about my sexual history, they won’t accept me and they’ll think I’m a total slut.”

Sexual shame is particularly powerful because it tends to rob people of accepting sexual pleasure. It can create inhibition, insecurities, or isolation. It can convince someone that the sexual abuse they experienced was somehow their fault. It can convince a person that they are fundamentally flawed because they were taught that their desires are wrong. It can impact relationships and cause great divides between people. 

Because shame causes us to hide, it can be especially challenging for a person to communicate these feelings or parts of themselves. Think about how destructive that can be for relationships - because when there is no communication, the only thing people have to operate on is their imaginations. While it’s very typical (and probably an inherent biological survival function) for humans to create assumptions, imagine what would happen if we only operated on our assumptions. 

I believe that the first step in overcoming shame is to realize what it is, where it comes from, and how it is causing destruction on the self and relationships. Identifying that the shame is impeding the healing process can help to unblock movement towards goals. Overcoming shame almost always involves some form of self-acceptance. This can be challenging because it can involve undoing years of negative self-talk that may be based on repetitive messages a person has heard from their families, their communities, or other various cultural associations.  

It takes so much courage to fight shame of any kind, but sexual shame is a particularly challenging force because it is so deeply personal and because it can often stay hidden unless we decide to take the risk of reaching out. It can take an immense amount of trust to talk about issues involving sexual shame. I believe that trust can be built only when a person has room to be who they are and feel that they are accepted without conditions. And from earning that trust, my hope is that I can help people to overcome that shame and put it to rest for good. 

My secret weapon against sexual shame involves earning trust by offering what Carl Rogers referred to as unconditional positive regard. Trust is not always easily earned nor easy to give in every situation. The entire time I’ve been writing this, for example, I’ve been thinking about whether or not I believe there are exceptions to fighting shame. I considered the people who experience shame as a result of having done something very harmful towards someone else (such as a perpetrator of sexual violence). My thoughts on this are that it would still be beneficial to fight the shame and turn it into something else - something healing. Societally, we need to do a better job of addressing and treating sexual shame of that nature, too, so that people may receive better treatment options and increase potential for prevention of sexual abuse.